Russian Predictions

Nostradamus strikes: A leading Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into [six] separate parts.

His six-part breakup? As follows...

1. Pacific coast, due to the growing Chinese population (LA's Chinatown and Tom Cruise have clearly always objected to New England's stranglehold over them, and desire a sovereign nation).
2. The South, due to Hispanics (I told you we needed to close off the border! Did you listen? No...).
3. Texas, due to movements for independence (obviously remembering the Alamo).
4. Atlantic Coast, due to a "distinct and separate mentality" (I'm offended! That's New York. Don't blame us for their differences. In fact, we now shun New York from our country. Go be a part of Canada, New York, we don't want you).
5. Five poor central states, due to Native Americans (right, because all poor people will join up with Iroquoy remnants and attack the U.S. military with teepees and trailers. THIS IS SPARTA!)
6. Northern States, due to strong Canadian influence (False, obviously. No one likes Canada).

All this talk of a breakup leads clearly to questions about the future of the NFL. Who, exactly, will be their target market? Or maybe, instead of a massive civil war, land division disputes shall be decided by football games. Let's get this done soon, because my area of the country is setting up a pretty kickass military. (Let's go, Giants!) Also, if this ever goes down, we (the Atlantic Coast) are becoming a dictatorship, and I call being dictator.

UPDATE: Roger Simon finds it ridiculous as well.